My Life: Late March, Early April 2018 Recap: Fundraiser, Performance, and Sickness

MARCH 23 — MARCH 31

On Friday, March 23rd, I decided to change my grocery shopping day from Sunday to Friday, and it worked out a lot in my favor. Usually on Sundays I don’t have enough time to go grocery shopping, but I do have more time on Friday nights. I also bought a new memory card for my camera so I won’t have to worry about running out of room when I vlog.

Saturday, March 24th, I had one rehearsal. Red Riding Hood. At first, hardly anyone was there, even my prince wasn’t there yet, so I filled in as a tree until he got there. Even the choreographer was a few minutes late. Gerry and I rescheduled our meeting with Kelly to 12:30pm since I didn’t need to be at rehearsal this afternoon. She created this amazing look and taught me a lot about makeup in the short amount of time with her. Then I hung out with Gerry at his place and we watched The Great British Baking Show. I went home and decided to go out tonight to Salvage BBQ. I originally wasn’t going to go, but I did. I had fun at first, but then I got tired and anxious. It all escalated to one of the biggest mental breakdowns I had ever had. I didn’t want to stay at Gerry’s but I didn’t want to be at home alone. I screamed the whole drive home. I knocked chairs over. I got into a bath with the intention of drowning myself. Then Gerry returned my calls and talked to me a little bit. He was making me frustrated, but I just slowly calmed myself down and got out of the bathtub, and went to bed. 

The next day (Sunday) I woke up very tired and groggy. To be expected when I have a mental breakdown especially one of that nature. I had three Sleeping Beauty rehearsals today. One for Waltz, one for Temptation, and one for Lilac Fairies Gift. During Lilac Fairies Gift, I came down from a lift and landed over my toes causing myself to collapse on the floor. I needed an ice pack on my right foot for a little while. I was fine walking but I needed to take it easy with the rest of my dancing for the day. For the three studio show rehearsals, Thunder, I’m Not Hungry Anymore, and the one about Gun Control, I marked some places that would irritate my foot if I danced full out. 

At 6pm I rushed home and got myself ready for our fundraiser. I loved the way my look turned out and I headed over there around 7:15. I got there a little after 7:30, and everyone absolutely loved my outfit. I had a mock tail called Aurora Awakens, which was mostly orange juice and lemon juice. It was really good. Then we danced for a little while and mingled. When “Feel It Still” came on, a lot of us did our dance from Temptation. It was recorded on Facebook Live, but then Facebook took down the video because the music was copyrighted. So not fair. A slow dance came on and I slow danced with my first prince who was there (second prince did not attend). We also had a dance circle where one at a time, we were pulled into the middle and danced. Of course, I would be pulled in because I’m a princess. Then when it was time to announce the raffle, they of course picked me to announce the winners. One prize was for a Bra Fitting Party and the second was gift cards for Food and Books. It was such a fun night compared to yesterday. 

On Tuesday, I received a package from Amazon in the mail. I wasn’t expecting a package and I was a little nervous about it. I tend to worry a lot and get paranoid about this type of thing. Like it’s some kind of trick. So I didn’t open it, but I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I left it outside for a little while. Then a couple hours later, I got a text from Gerry telling me that I should have a package. Then it clicked. It was from him. I went and brought the package back in and opened it. It was a Serta Heated Blanket. I was so shocked and happy with the surprise. That was very nice that he was thinking of me. 

Wednesday night was game night and it started a little earlier than usual. We played some more Super Fight and some Say Anything. After game night, I opened up to my best friend about my attempted suicide. He stayed with me for half an hour to make sure I was okay. 

I was very productive on Thursday night. I did a load of laundry and all my dishes. I was so proud of myself. 

Friday night I started to feel a little lonely, so I spent the night at Gerry’s. 

I went back home early Saturday morning to take care of Georgia and get ready for the day. We had Hop rehearsal in the morning and then I had Red Riding Hood rehearsal in the afternoon. I feel much more solid with the Hop dance. In between rehearsals, I ran Gerry around so he could get some errands done. He bought some candles at the dollar store, then had to stop at a bank. We stopped at three different banks before we found one that was open. Then I dropped him off at his house and I ordered lunch from Chipotle. I went home and ate then back for Red Riding Hood rehearsal. My prince was not there today, so I had to make pretend I had a partner. When I got home, I felt really overwhelmed, but I took a nap for an hour and a half and that made me feel a little bit better. 

APRIL 1 — APRIL 7

On Sunday, I checked outside my door and found that my grandfather left me an easter basket by my door. I had also found that I broke out in hives on my right arm overnight. Half asleep I was scratching them a lot. I went over to my parents house at 8am to open Easter baskets and do our last egg hunt. We all decided that this year would be the last egg hunt but my mom still wanted to do Easter baskets. Butters loved playing with the plastic eggs and chasing them. 

Then I had rehearsals. Awake was almost pointless for me because my prince was not there. I ended up just doing what I could without him. Rose Adagio was my other rehearsal. I had all of my suitors there, but we were practicing on mats, so I couldn't do any spins. After rehearsal, we went on to the bit of wood floor in the building and practiced some supported pirouettes. 

After those rehearsals, I went back to my parents house and had some lunch. Then I had some more rehearsals for the studio show. I had a 1 hour gap where I ran to my parents house again to pick up the chocolate chip cookies my mom had made. I was finally done with all my rehearsals at 6:30pm. It was a long long day. 

Tuesday after work, I went to go see a counselor. I asked Gerry to come with me because I was paranoid about it. I forgot how awkward it is. As much as I want to go back to therapy, it costs money to do so. After the half hour appointment, I met up with Gerry at a bar. He was working on his book and I ordered some cheesy fries. I read over his shoulder. He was getting towards my part in the story. How he described me was very accurate. It was also more blunt than he had ever told me to my face. He described me as being young mentally and that I had been sheltered my whole life. I battled anxiety and depression but dealt with it badly. He was able to handle it but his ex-wife burnt him out with that. He said that I worried about everything and that was a big turn off. We remained friends, the kind with extended benefits. Still do. It was all completely true. I guess what hurt the most was that me worrying about everything was a big turn off. I swallowed my emotions and went home. Though I wasn’t able to accomplish anything else when I got home. 

I decided not to go to game night on Wednesday. I was feeling really emotional and wanted to be alone but I was lonely. I did manage to do some writing and work on my vlog yesterday, so I did manage to be productive. 

Saturday morning I had two rehearsals, one for Red Riding Hood and the other for Temptation. They are both in really good shape. Then later it was the studio show. I got there at 4pm and I was literally the first person there. As people filtered in, we ran through our dances. Emma came at around 5pm with her flower crown, and I felt the need to get my tiara for my duet. My mom went over to my house and brought it to me so I could have it. The performance began at 7pm. My first dance was “The Hip Pop Cool Kids” I felt like I did okay, but we were all so white. My Sleeping Beauty duet was sixth in the show. It went much better than I thought it would. Immediately after, I had to take off my tiara and change shoes for “I’m Not Hungry Anymore” which also went very well. The tenth piece was the gun violence one titled “When Is It Time To Talk About It?” This also went very well. All the pieces went very well and I was overall pleased with the performance. 

APRIL 8 — APRIL 12

On Sunday, I had a full day of rehearsals. We started on the finale, which starts off with only me dancing and builds up to everyone dancing. We were also told that there was a little kiss between the prince and I during this one. We didn’t practice it though. After that rehearsal, we did a run through of what we know. After Waltz and Hop, I had a coughing fit, so I had to stop briefly and get some water. After that, the rest of act one went fine. Due to the interest of time, we had to pick and choose pieces to run in act two. In Act two, we only ran Carabosses’s Trap and Battle followed by the Finale and Bluebirds. 

For the afternoon, we had Breaking The Spell rehearsal and Awake rehearsal. The prince and I were incorporated into Breaking The Spell, which is when I start to wake up and the big kiss happens. We didn’t practice because 1. I didn’t know how comfortable he was and 2. I was very hyperaware of everybody else in the room, so I didn’t feel 100% comfortable. We started off just by looking at each other in the eyes. We talked about it a little bit and decided that next time, if we were both comfortable, we would just go for it. I was told by Gerry that the first time is always the most awkward, but then it gets easier. That just seems like a very obvious statement to me. 

After rehearsal, I had lots of unexpected free time. I also really wanted company. I asked Gerry if he was free but he had dinner plans. David said that I could meet Mira, so I immediately dropped everything and drove to his house to meet his kitten. She is absolutely precious. His family was out for the afternoon, so I was able to sneak over. His family’s cat, Luna, is not so friendly. She walked right up to me and hissed right in my face. We went upstairs and played with Mira for a while. Mira sat in my lap and fell asleep, purring extremely loudly. 

My friend, Dan also responded to my message about hanging out. I went over to his apartment after hanging out with David and we watched Young Frankenstein. His cat, Patches, was constantly meowing for attention. I had lots of fun. 

On Tuesday, Gerry sent me his draft of his memoir that he’s been working on. I devoured the whole thing in almost one sitting. I left him some general notes and then I’m going to go back and nit pick through the story. I came up with another idea for my story and completely started over. So far, this idea that I have for my story is flowing a lot better than the other idea I started with. I tried sleeping on the couch tonight because I noticed my hives got worse while I was sleeping in my bed. 

I went to game night on Wednesday, and we played Betrayal Of The House On The Hill. We played a scenario that we had played before. I was the traitor for this scenario so I knew what was going on. I ended up winning it for our team. There were four of us playing, one traitor, three heroes. One hero had died. The other hero was close to death and useless in the situation we were trying to beat. It was a lot of fun. 

I ended up getting really sick on Thursday. I’m not sure if it was caused by anxiety or if I really was sick. I was alone most of the day and panicked a lot because I felt like I was getting worse, not better. I couldn’t get anyone who could come over and take care of me, but I didn’t want to be manipulative in doing so. I went to bed early, in the hopes that I would wake up not sick.