My Story: Mental Illness And Borderline Personality Disorder

My name is Abigail. This is my story of my mental illness. 

When I was in elementary school, it was very clear that I was different from most of the kids around me. Academically, I was the same as the other kids with learning the alphabet, numbers, writing, spelling etc. I struggled socially. I was developmentally delayed and had some autistic tendencies. When I was in a private preschool, I liked talking to the other kids and playing with them. They thought that the things I said and the way I acted was weird. So once I reached kindergarten, I had it in my mind that it was better to just keep my mouth shut about everything. I had a huge fear of being separated from my family. I would refuse to do anything if I was going to be taken away from my mom. The transition to public school was hard. I didn’t answer any questions during my kindergarten screening because I was upset that they had taken my mom away from me. I didn’t trust them. They told my mom that I needed special education because I didn’t answer any of the questions, which academically I didn’t really need it. Socially I did. But my mom refused to put me in special education. 

I grew up in a household where my parents talked about everything bad that could possibly happen. They were both very paranoid and they were strict because they worried about everything. During high school and early adulthood, I resented them for that. I literally could not do anything. I went to school, went to dance sometimes, then came home and stayed home. I couldn’t go to friends houses, if I wanted to hang out with friends, they had to come to my house. Along with my parents, my younger sister has a very life threatening allergy to nuts, which stressed my parents out even more. On top of that, one of my younger brothers has autism. My parents also fought. A lot. There were points where my sister and I thought they were going to get a divorce. They never did, but it was a very stressful household. When I reached middle school, I had to watch my brothers every Saturday and Sunday for a total of six hours, three hours each day, because my mom had to take my sister to her ice skating lessons and my dad worked. I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of because of the fact that I was there and could always drop everything to babysit. This was just one example of how I was never asked to do things, I was ordered to do things. It showed me that my opinion didn’t matter. 

As I got older, the symptoms became more visible as life became more complicated. My anxiety and paranoia started to be more prevalent. I was bullied a little bit in middle school because I was quiet. I had my lunch stolen from me for a little while, but it didn’t last. In high school, I didn’t really fit in anywhere. I had friends, but I was not popular in any way. I didn’t do sports, I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t passionate about anything offered in school. I was just… me… whoever I was.

The one thing I was passionate about was dance. I started dancing when I was eight years old and I loved it. Once I reached high school, I was dancing four to five times a week. It was a lot for me. Like every teenager, I just wanted some time to hang out with friends, but there was no time for that. I wasn’t an amazing dancer but I wasn’t horrible either. I was average. My mom constantly pushed me because she wanted me to get all the better roles than everyone else in my class in the ballet performances. I didn’t care as long as I was dancing. The line was crossed where I wasn’t sure if I was doing things for myself or just to please my mom. My mom would frequently refuse to drive me home until I talked to the school director about getting better parts. We would be there for up to an hour sometimes because I didn’t want to do it. She was forcing me to stand up for myself. In my opinion, there was nothing to stand up for. Again, my opinion didn’t matter. I was ordered to do things that I didn’t want to do. 

The end of high school and transitioning to college was difficult for me. Not only was it a big change, but I had also just been dumped for the first time. I was stressed and I was heartbroken. I had an empty void that wouldn’t go away. I had to do something to fulfill that void. Since I was eighteen now, I turned to online dating websites. I talked to a lot of guys but only met a handful of them in person. I had very mixed results. Sometimes they were bad and sometimes I ended up with new friends. But it was unhealthy for me. I was hooking up with random guys because I felt empty inside and I didn’t want to feel empty. This all led to one incident when I was nineteen years old. A guy that I had been talking to for a while had a picture of me in my underwear. He told me he was going to post that picture if I didn’t send him some nudes. In order to avoid being abandoned, I did it. Then he said he was going to post them all. I felt violated, and scared. I didn’t know what to do. I told my parents and they decided to send me to therapy. I was diagnosed with depression. All I would ever talk about was how empty I felt and how I wanted my ex-boyfriend back. I felt hopeless because there was nothing I could do to get him back. After I while, I felt like the therapy wasn’t helping me anymore, so I stopped going. 

Things began looking up for me. In the summer of 2013 I went away to a two week dance intensive in Connecticut. It was definitely the best two weeks of my life. I made new friends and I just felt great. I didn’t have to worry about anything except dance. I ate, slept, and breathed dance at that place. It was definitely a once in a lifetime experience and I’m glad I took advantage of that opportunity.

As I got older, my anxiety got worse. I began to experience panic attacks. The one I first remember was back in November of 2013. I wasn’t aware of how bad it was and it was brought to my attention in August 2014 by a friend. I was having panic attacks almost every day. I could launch myself into a panic attack in seconds. 

At the beginning of 2015, I finally stopped online dating. I don’t know why I continued after that incident. But I haven’t gone back to that since. I still feel the impulse to go back to that, but I really don’t want to. 

When I moved out of my parents house in 2017, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer had my parents around all the time restricting me from what I was able to do. But this was also when I saw more symptoms come out. There were times where my house got so incredibly messy and some times when I couldn’t take care of myself. There were days where I would sleep until the very last minute and then get up, get dressed, feed my cat, and then go to work. That’s all I would do. I wouldn’t eat because I didn’t have the motivation to cook. I didn’t shower because I had lost motivation. Sometimes my panic attacks would escalate into psychosis. I wasn’t sure what was reality and what was fantasy at those points. I freaked out about the littlest things because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I went back to online therapy for a while and started Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I stopped online therapy at the end 2017 because of cost, but I feel like I’m in a much better place now. It was during the online therapy that I realized and that my therapist suspected that I had Borderline Personality Disorder.

If you don’t know what Borderline Personality Disorder is, here is a brief overview taken from NIMH.Gov: 

Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days. 

People with borderline personality disorder may experience mood swings and display uncertainty about how they see themselves and their role in the world. As a result, their interests and values can change quickly.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can also change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.

So, that is my story. I know this is a lot of personal stuff to throw out, but the reason I’m throwing this out there is that I hope to help people who are going through the same thing that I went through. In future posts, I will go more in depth with the different symptoms and how each one has affected me during my lifetime. If you think you may be suffering from a mental illness, please seek help. I have listed some resources below:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Treatment Referral Helpline 1-800-662-4357